Regret (Under My Skin Book 1) Read online

  There was a loud knock at the front door and Elijah walked out in a huff, shutting us inside the bathroom.

  9

  Nick

  I continued gently cutting layers into Brin’s hair as we fell into an awkward silence. The only sound was our soft breaths, the snipping of the scissors, and the thumping of my heart in my ears. I needed to get this the fuck over with so he didn’t feel like a captive trapped in his best friend’s bathroom.

  “So why cosmetology?” Brin asked in a quiet voice and I flinched. The fact that he wanted to know something about my life actually surprised me. Unless he was only attempting to fill in dead air.

  But it was a loaded question. Did I tell him how I used to go in my sister’s room and play with her dolls’ hair? At one point I had chalked it up to my way of connecting with her, since there was such a large age gap between us.

  I liked to wash the hair, comb it, and trim the bangs.

  One time my mom found me sitting on the floor in the bathroom with a bunch of Zoey’s dolls surrounding me. But all she did was watch for a brief minute, and then never mentioned it again. She must’ve never told my father, either, even though I had braced myself for it for days on end.

  “Just something I was interested in,” I replied.

  “Since when?” he asked after another beat.

  “Since forever, it seems,” I remarked, lining up the curls near his ear and trimming off the ends.

  He wrung his hands like he was working something over. “Why not do it full time?”

  “Have to run my dad’s business,” I replied in a rote tone, already used to the question from Darren and, early on, from my roommate. And somehow Elijah understood enough not to bring it up in front of my mom during Sunday dinners. “It’s what’s expected of me.”

  That wasn’t exactly the truth. It was what I expected of me. I pretended to be interested in the engraving business to get Dad to perk up and I rolled with it into adulthood. It was the least I could do to make up for every damn thing I had put my parents through.

  He tapped his finger to his lips. “But you said your dad passed away, so does that mean…”

  “He left the business to me,” I replied eyeballing the length of the strands on the top of his scalp. “So I have to run it, plus make sure my mom is taken care of.”

  He hunched his shoulders. “No offense, it just doesn’t…”

  “Doesn’t what?” I snapped, not entirely sure where my frustration was coming from. It wasn’t like I hadn’t asked myself the same questions a thousand times.

  “Doesn’t seem like something you’d do...” He winced. “Engraving, I mean…”

  I dragged my hand away. “Because you know me so well, from a few conversations during tutoring sessions eleven years ago?”

  His entire body tensed. That had done it. I had screwed it up good this time. “Fuck, you know what? I’m done.”

  He attempted to stand but my fingers gripped his shoulder, tamping him down. He fought me easily since I only had a tenuous grasp—pushing my hand off and springing up to face me. “I’m not a kid anymore and I won’t get on my knees for you again.”

  “Shit, I would never ask you to…goddamn it, calm down.” We glared at each other as our heavy pants filled the space between us. My shoulders slumped. “I just…please don’t walk out…your hair will look like shit if I don’t finish.”

  He continued scowling at me as I fished my lip through my teeth and took a step back, giving him a wider berth.

  I watched him closely. Soft lips. Hardened eyes. Unsteady breaths.

  Another minute more and his angry gaze finally softened to a minor glare and I breathed out in relief.

  “Fuck, Brin,” I whispered, shaking my head. “You almost made me stab myself with my own scissors.”

  A smirk lined his lips. “Good.”

  My pulse battered in my veins. “You hate me that much?”

  “I never said I hated you…” he replied, motioning with his hand. “I just don’t like you…”

  A well of frustration ballooned in my throat. “Maybe the feeling’s mutual.”

  “You’re full of shit,” he replied, his finger jabbing toward my shoulder. “You have nothing to hate me for.”

  “Maybe I’m pissed because every time I tried to talk to you after…tried to explain…you always blew me off.” I rushed my fingers through my hair. “Refused to listen to me.”

  “There was nothing to explain.” He folded his arms across this chest, which made the white towel pull across his shoulders. “You let your true self show in that one singular instant.”

  My knees felt weak as my heart thundering in my chest. “Is that what you think? That people are defined by a specific moment in life because fuck, I …” Gasping, I bent at the waist, feeling pretty much like the devil right then, with all of my sins on display.

  At the same time, I was hoping like hell this didn’t turn into a full-fledged panic attack right in front of the one guy I longed for a connection with.

  “Relax. Jesus Christ, why the hell do you care what I think anyway? According to you, we don’t even know each other anymore.” His warm hand landed on my back and as he hesitantly slid it up and down in a soothing pattern, the tender action had an immediate calming effect. “I just said some shit out of frustration, okay?”

  An entire minute passed by while I got my breathing under control and then straightened myself. I found I couldn’t meet his eyes, my cheeks hot with embarrassment. I had freaked the hell out on him. Now he just thought I was a nutcase.

  “Fuck,” I muttered, completely mortified.

  I walked over to the sink, washed my clammy hands, and threw some water on my face.

  “Does that happen often?” he asked, but no way I was going to get into specifics with somebody whom I was this vulnerable in front of. He made me feel too many damn things all at once. It was better to just get on with it and leave this fucking bathroom before I confessed way too much.

  “I only need to finish your bangs,” I replied instead. “And then we can be done with this bullshit.”

  “Yeah, okay,” he said as if he was talking to a startled colt. Fuck.

  I stepped closer to the tub and raised my fingers to reach for his bangs, not making any direct eye contact. But I could feel his gaze on me, studying me, maybe trying to figure me out.

  As I cut a steady line, gooseflesh rose along all the fine hairs on my arms and legs.

  “You trying to mess me up?” I asked, a smile tugging at my lips.

  “What do you mean?” he replied in a quiet voice, as if attempting to remain perfectly still for my benefit.

  “You’re practically burning a hole into the side of my head,” I said, finally meeting his gaze.

  “Screw you.” He smirked. “Where the hell else do you want me to look?”

  “Just messing with you,” I replied, fluffing his bangs to see how well I’d shaped them.

  When our gazes connected again, my thumb carefully swiped beneath his lashes, following the edge of his eyeliner. “I like when you wear this, brings out the gray in your eyes.”

  His breath stuttered as he watched me, and it reminded me of all the stolen glances and innocent touches between us during tutoring sessions. How the butterflies in my stomach would take flight and beat the hell out of my insides by the time our hour was up.

  It made me sad this is how we ended up—angry and suspicious of one another. Because that’s what life did. It chewed you up and spit you out.

  “I know you must think I’m…” I shook my head. “It’s obvious I don’t have all my shit together, right? Maybe that’ll give you some satisfaction.”

  We fell into silence again and he gnawed on the inside of his lip as if mulling over my words. A couple of minutes later I finally finished trimming his hair, running my fingers through it one final time to make sure it was even on all sides.

  “All done here,” I said and took a step back, feeling like I was finally ab
le to inhale a decent breath.

  “Cool, thanks.” He slid the towel off his shoulders, allowing all the hair to fall into the tub. When he unbuttoned his pants, my gaze zeroed in on the motion. “I should run the shower and wash up.”

  “Good idea,” I replied absently, unable to draw my eyes away from the smooth skin on his stomach.

  He rolled his eyes. “You just going to stand there and stare?”

  “Don’t I wish,” I muttered and backed out of the room, leaving him in peace.

  10

  Brin

  I glanced in the mirror at my curls, which were mostly tame now that Nick had given me a haircut. I’d have to admit he did a good job and in the end, I was glad I’d gone through the trouble, especially since I was going out tonight.

  In all of the insanity the past few days, I had totally forgotten about heading up to Bent with Elijah to meet Stewart and Elijah’s friend Kamnan. Kam, as he was known, managed Spin Cycle Bike Shop in Lakewood.

  Being set up was the last thing on my mind except maybe I’d get laid tonight and it’d put an end to this restless tension I was constantly feeling around Nick. I had seen little of my roommates the past three nights after work. As part of his coursework, Nick apparently put in a few hours a month at a local salon. Elijah was mostly with Stewart, and I volunteered at the shelter a couple of the evenings, which gave me the opportunity to visit Tallulah and keep her company.

  But my last conversation with Nick kept bleeding through my brain.

  “You just going to stand there and stare?”

  “Don’t I wish.”

  What exactly did that mean? He wished he could look all he wanted? I had thought it was me who was so into him back then, not the other way around.

  It’s not something I’ve easily forgotten…

  Or maybe I was only a nice fantasy for somebody who was stuck in the closet.

  So much had transpired during that stupid fucking haircut that left me completely breathless. And how emotional he’d gotten made me realize there was way more to Nick than I ever thought possible.

  It’s obvious I don’t have all my shit together.

  “You look good,” Elijah remarked, primping in the mirror behind me. “You freaking about this?”

  “Of course not,” I replied, rolling my eyes. It wasn’t like I haven’t met my share of men. “But maybe now you’ll shut up about this guy.”

  “You both could use a night of fun,” he said as I freshened my eyeliner.

  I like when you wear this, brings out the gray in your eyes.

  I shook the thought away. I wasn’t wearing anything for Nicholas Dell.

  “As long as he’s not some bossy asshole. Just because I’m a needy bottom doesn’t mean I want that shit outside of the bedroom too.” Not anymore.

  “Kam’s not like that.” Our eyes met in the mirror. “But from one bottom to another, I hear you.”

  Did he? Because sometimes his relationship with Stewart made me uncomfortable. I’d been with guys who were jealous and wanted complete control and if Elijah was anything, he was carefree and fun. But I’d already had an argument with him about it during a lunch break at Doggie Styles a few weeks back, so I wasn’t going to go there again. Not while he was letting me stay here for a few more days.

  I lifted my phone to look at the time, hoping we could leave the apartment before Nick got home from wherever he was tonight. And as if I had summoned him, I heard the latch catch on the door as he walked in. Maybe he’d have Sarah or some other girl with him this evening. Though since I’d moved in, he’d only ever had her over one other time and that had been brief.

  I hit the bathroom light and we both headed down the hallway to the living room.

  Nick sat at the kitchen island eating an apple from the groceries he’d bought a few days ago. Apparently, they took turns shopping for kitchen and bathroom staples, but mostly ordered takeout. Not wanting to mess up their efficient routine, I had been making do with a few items I had picked up on my own.

  “What’s up?” Elijah asked.

  “Not much,” he replied and I could tell he’d been at the gym. His hair was still sweaty beneath the worn baseball cap and he wore a pair of thin nylon basketball shorts with a threadbare T-shirt. He took another bite of the apple and the juice ran down his chin. He swiped at it with his wrist, as his eyes lifted to meet mine. Fucker. “You guys have plans?”

  “Yeah, we’re meeting Stewart and my friend Kam up at Bent.” My face grew hot as Nick gave me the once-over. I knew Elijah wouldn’t be able to keep his trap shut for long. “We’re trying to hook Brin and Kam up.”

  Nick’s eyes grew large as Elijah’s words sank in. “That’s cool,” he replied around what sounded like a parched throat.

  “You hanging with Sarah tonight?” I couldn’t help blurting out.

  “Nah.” He scratched at his neck, his eyes darting away. “Didn’t work out between us.”

  “What happened this time?” Elijah asked with a smirk as he thumped him on the shoulder.

  “Nothing happened.” He looked down and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I just…”

  “You like keeping your single status wide open?” Elijah replied nudging him.

  “You ass,” Nick said and then chomped on his apple, more than likely so he wouldn’t have to answer any more probing questions.

  Though this conversation was making me all kinds of uncomfortable, I couldn’t also help being curious. Why stay in the closet? Unless he was bisexual. But Elijah had given me no indication Nick had ever mentioned dating men.

  The ball of aggravation knotted tighter in my stomach.

  “Maybe you should hook Kam up with your roommate tonight instead,” I remarked in a breezy voice as if I didn’t just detonate a bomb in the room.

  Elijah laughed and elbowed me in the ribs as I stared at Nick across the island like it was a challenge. He could easily play it off. Elijah joked about shit all the time.

  “Yeah, right,” Elijah said around a grin. “What do you say, Nick?”

  Suddenly the air in the room became so thick it practically strangled me, and I almost gave him an out. But fuck that, he was a big boy and had gotten himself in and out of his own messes.

  After another long beat, Nick shrugged. “Maybe next time,” he responded to my utter amazement. His eyes flashed when his gaze collided with mine again.

  “What?” Elijah’s eyebrows had climbed to his hairline. “Are you for real?”

  “Yeah, sure.” Nick squared his shoulders. “I’ve…been with men before.”

  “Why has this never come up?” Elijah was gesturing wildly before he turned on me. “Did you know about this?”

  “How would I know?” I replied but didn’t meet his gaze. In fact, the whole thing was fucking awkward and I wished I hadn’t opened my big fat mouth. I didn’t know what I was trying to prove—except maybe that I was as much of an asshole as him.

  After Nick retreated to his room and we left for Bent, Elijah kept marveling about Nick admitting to being bisexual–not that he actually used the word—until I told him to shut the hell up already. I was too busy wondering about it myself.

  Why had he done that? To prove something to me or was he simply trying to be more open in general? Maybe his other friends knew but he had never shared it with his roommate. But wouldn’t Elijah know if he was hooking up with guys? Unless he never brought one home.

  When we walked in the crowded bar, we quickly spotted Stewart standing beside an extremely handsome Asian guy. Elijah had told me his friend was half-Thai, half-American and that he sometimes trained for triathlons. That explained his amazing forearms and slim but fit physique.

  “Don’t tell Stewart about Nick,” Elijah whispered and before I could reason why they were already waving us over.

  Hot damn, Kam was easy on the eyes. Except as we ordered drinks and found a place to stand near the dance floor, I found that conversation with him was difficult to come by.

  Di
d it matter if all I needed was a good hard fuck?

  But as soon as I finally dragged more than one-word answers from him, he told me he’d just gotten out of a long-term relationship. As if I had found the on switch, he waxed poetic about his ex, and I knew this guy only needed to get out and unload on someone. We danced a few songs, before returning to our spot near the wall. I let him go on for awhile more about his ex but soon enough, I just wanted to get the hell out of there.

  I was going to kill Elijah for not knowing better. Or maybe he just ignored the fact that his friend was so not ready to move on. A hookup wouldn’t be in the cards either.

  “I know I’m not being very good company,” Kam remarked as we placed our empty drinks on the bar. “So thanks for not being a dick about it.”

  Elijah and Stewart were still hot and heavy on the dance floor. Hopefully, they’d go back to Stewart’s place so Nick and I didn’t have to hear Stewart banging Elijah’s brains out later tonight. At least I was on the other side of the apartment and I could put my earbuds in.

  “Nah, it’s okay. I get it,” I replied, knowing he’d be a good catch for somebody again in the future. “At least it was nice to get out, right?”

  “Yeah,” he said. “It was better than wallowing alone in my apartment.”

  When we noticed Elijah eyeing us from the dance floor, I whispered in Kam’s ear conspiratorially, “Want to pretend we’re getting out of here but then go our separate ways?”

  He barked out a laugh. “Perfect. Hopefully, Elijah won’t bug me about it again for another couple of days.”

  Elijah practically beamed as we waved our goodbyes to him and Stewart and I followed Kam out the door. Once on the sidewalk, Kam waved me off when I offered to drive him home. When I said I’d wait with him while he called a car service, he told me he was cool by himself. But as he lifted his phone, and I walked down the street toward my car, I wondered if he was calling his ex for a ride instead. Been there, done that. And it never ended well.