Regret (Under My Skin Book 1) Read online

  My father had been close to Coach Parker from my baseball team, and Heartfelt Impressions made trophies for all the school sports in the area. My dad was way too involved in my life and there was no way I couldn’t let him be during that time.

  He had thrown himself in full force after my sister died and I’d tried hard to be a son he could be proud of not only because baseball was his favorite pastime, but because I owed it to him. I was indebted to both of my parents with my life. I even played college ball at CSU and tried out for the minor league knowing I’d never make it to the big time.

  “Yeah, thanks.” I adjusted the worn cap on my head. It had been my father’s favorite. “I was glad to step in and help.”

  I wouldn’t tell Brin that engraving plates were easy to order by computer nowadays and the business was steadily losing money. I had developed an online presence for our company so we could try to compete, but it was tough. Let alone difficult to be excited for something I had no passion for, but I gave it my best every single day.

  To make them proud. Even though they probably wished I had died in her place. That thought wrecked me most of all. Ruined my restless nights for years until finally a panic attack had landed me an appointment with Dr. Penny and a prescription of Zoloft.

  When awkward silence descended on the room again, it was Sarah who broke it. I had nearly forgotten she was there, so lost was I in my memories. “I’m stuffed. Who wants a fortune cookie?”

  As she passed them out, my gaze met Brin’s again across the room. He narrowed his eyes and looked away. I didn’t bother to open the sweet cookie and read the fortune because I already knew what my life had in store for me. More of the same.

  Thankfully, Elijah was a talker and jabbered on about his day.

  Placing my empty plate on the coffee table, I sat back and slung my arm around Sarah to show her I was present—because Jesus, seeing Brin again had thrown me.

  In my side view, I noticed how Brin’s scowl deepened. It was such a juxtaposition to what originally attracted me to him—his deep-set blue eyes and bright smile. His kind and patient voice mixed with deadpan humor. He made me feel lighter at such a profoundly heavy time in my life. But during our closest moments there was no laughing, except maybe a smirk or two. And after I had ruined everything, he refused to look in my direction ever again. And it was like he had vacuumed up the sun and replaced it with thick, black clouds.

  More than likely he felt like proclaiming that at one time I had begged him to put his mouth on me. And part of me wished he would. Maybe that would make up for what I had done to him, even a little bit. Might even help relieve the persistent pressure that was steadily building in my chest.

  3

  Brin

  “What the hell was wrong with you back there?” Elijah asked as he motioned over his shoulder to the living room where we’d left Nick and Sarah watching TV. My chest felt so tight, I could barely scarf down the fried rice, even though I had been starving only minutes before.

  I thought I was over what happened senior year of high school with the guy I was wholly infatuated with, but I guessed not. Fucking ridiculous.

  “I don’t think I’ll be able to stay here,” I replied, absently reaching for the bag I had brought some of my toiletries in. “I’ll have to come up with something else. Maybe Tristan’s condo on the lake.”

  Even to my own ears, I sounded slightly crazed and wholly unreasonable, but there was no way I could stay in this apartment with him. With those whiskey-stained eyes, the black sexy scruff, and those tight jeans outlining that long fucking cock. Certainly not the same material as the thin white baseball pants that could be tugged down so easily. Christ.

  “What the hell are you talking about?” Elijah asked in a pitched voice as he followed me around the room. “First of all, Tristan only has a one bedroom and second—is this because you know Nick?”

  I didn’t answer him, simply kept haphazardly throwing random items into the bag.

  “Did something happen between the two of you?”

  That stopped me dead in my tracks. “What? No.”

  I sure as fuck didn’t want to admit I’d sucked Nicolas Dell’s cock when I was seventeen, going on eighteen. It was the end of senior year, he needed a passing grade to graduate, and after making an arrangement with the math teacher, the coach had asked me to work with several of his players. Nicholas Dell was my first blowjob—and second. And I would’ve continued sucking him off for as long as he let me, had someone not come into the room, nearly catching us that final time.

  Call me crazy, I didn’t want to screw up Elijah’s arrangement with Nick; I only wanted to get the hell out of here and stop recalling that vulnerable time in my life.

  Elijah folded his arms and narrowed his eyes. “Did you maybe…crush on him in school or something like that?”

  That was sort of easier to admit to and might help him understand why I needed to leave. “Maybe. And he was a total dick. Hung with the jocks and…you get the idea.” I couldn’t help adding in that last part; it felt good to let it out.

  Elijah rushed his fingers through his hair, obviously exasperated with me. “That was what—ten, eleven years ago? People grow up and change. He really is a good guy. We’ve had no problems as roommates.”

  My shoulders dropped. “Still, I just can’t—”

  “Maybe give it a chance. At least twenty-four hours,” Elijah supplied, taking my bag from my fingers and placing it on the floor. “Unless you’re still hung up on him?”

  “Of course not!” I replied through clenched teeth.

  “Good,” he said, in a long exhale. “Because it sucks to pine over a straight guy.”

  I almost snorted out loud but kept myself in check. I wouldn’t share his secret even though he was a fuckwad. “Look, it just took me by surprise. Maybe I need a good night’s sleep.”

  Elijah nodded as he backed out of the room and shut out the past that had intruded unexpectedly in my life. Except the door didn’t exactly close flush against the frame—probably because this was an old building and wood had the tendency to warp with time. The harsh winters and brutal summers didn’t help any, either, in this city. What I wouldn’t give to be in my modern condo with all the amenities. Except waterproofing, obviously. Be patient, I told myself.

  I lay down in my makeshift bed and pulled my laptop to my knees, trying like hell not to listen to the damn voices in the other room. Nick’s low, soothing drawl against what’s her name’s kind and calming tone. Barf.

  I popped in my earbuds, which finally helped drown out everything but the noises in my head. I couldn’t shake the memories that now flooded all of my senses. How his melancholy eyes would soften during our tutoring sessions and it became my goal to make him smile. The same crooked grin when he spotted me across the lunchroom, a longing in his gaze that mirrored mine. How his wet, dark hair clung against his forehead as he looked down at me with mesmerizing eyes full of lust, but also wonder.

  “Why are you in here?” Nicholas asked just as his towel fell to the floor. His cock lay heavy on his thick thigh, protruding from the dark thatch of hair at his groin.

  “Dunno, I just…Coach sent me in here to tell you to step it up. I already finished with Lewis.” Lewis was dumb as a box of rocks, but not Nicholas. He was eager to keep his grades up so he could graduate. I detected some sort of underlying anxiety when I was with him and at one point I wondered if his father was a bastard and had threatened him with his grades. Except, he didn’t seem so when he talked with the coach or was on the sidelines at the games. And Nicholas didn’t seem scared of him either. I could give two shits about sitting in the baseball bleachers for home games but my only other gay friend at the time would drag me with him and beg me to give him the inside scoop on some of the players.

  “I can just wait outside,” I replied, willing myself not to look at his cock again.

  “No, it’s okay,” he said reaching for his deodorant. “I’ll only be a second.”
/>   Our eyes met and held for an entirely-too-long second. When he inhaled a sharp breath, my gaze darted downward as his cock filled with blood and a blush stole across his cheeks. His fingers grappled for his shorts, which were turned inside out on the bench, as he attempted to cover himself and hide his erection.

  “Don’t,” my pleading voice rang out in the empty room. “Please.”

  He straightened his shoulders, the material slipping to the floor, and grew completely still, watching me. The flush had moved down to his neck and chest and when I glanced lower, his shaft was completely stiff and standing at attention. Long and lush and fucking hot. Holy shit, it was like my every fantasy realized.

  My heart thundered in my ears as I waited, my knees feeling weak and unsteady.

  His gaze darted around the locker room and when he verified we were still alone, he fisted his cock, which had grown hard as a baseball bat. I stepped closer and reached for his length with trembling fingers, pretending to know what the hell I was doing.

  Nicholas shuddered as I gripped his length and stroked it root to tip, just like I’d done to my own dick in the shower the day before. He shut his eyes and his head dropped forward, his breath releasing in harsh pants. A thrill shot through me not only that I was finally getting a chance to touch his silky-warm skin, but that he was as turned on as me.

  My cock leaked in my pants, but I ignored it, knowing I’d save it for later that evening in bed. It only took several more strokes before he gripped my shoulder—hard. He gasped and then moaned low and long, and jizzed all over my fist. I wouldn’t soon forget that sound for years to come.

  Afterward, as he came to his senses, he looked completely freaked and backed away to finish getting dressed. He barely made eye contact with me during the tutoring session straight after, but when our knees brushed beneath the table, he shivered.

  The second time, I got down on my knees and had my first taste of a cock. His pre-come was warm and salty and as I breathed in his soapy, sweaty smell, I thought I was in heaven.

  I was sloppy as shit at the task, but if his groaning was any sign, he didn’t seem to mind. I had trouble swallowing his seed that initial time as it dribbled down my chin and from the corners of my mouth, but later that night I played it over in my head as I came hard in my own fist.

  It happened one final time the week after that.

  “You’re getting good at this. Fuck.” His fingers tangled deeply in my hair made it all worth it as I sucked in earnest. “Hurry, before someone comes in. Next time, it’s my turn and…”

  But he never got to finish his sentence because the door swung open in the hollow room, startling us.

  An hour later, after I cautiously removed my headphones, the house was quiet, and I breathed out in relief. Figuring everyone was already behind closed bedroom doors, I finally shucked my T-shirt but left my jeans on while I padded to the kitchen to get a drink of water. Leaning against the sink, I gulped the cool liquid down, feeling overheated from my post-pubescent memories.

  Unexpectedly Nick strode through the front door. He must’ve walked Sarah out to her car. His gaze roamed greedily around my bare chest and I suddenly felt self-conscious for scarcely having any muscle mass to speak of. Fuck him.

  “Take a goddamn picture,” I bit out, staring him down. “Better yet, pull out your senior yearbook and reminisce about the good ol’ days.”

  “Screw you. Not like I meant for this to happen,” he replied reaching in the cupboard for a glass of his own. “For you to show up at my place like this.”

  I stood up straighter. “I can definitely leave—”

  “No, that’s not what I mean.” He stole a look over his shoulder and I could only guess it was because he didn’t want Elijah to overhear our conversation. “We can be adults about this, right?”

  I shrugged like a petulant child, not wanting to give him any satisfaction.

  “It’s only a couple of weeks, and then I’m out of here,” I replied, trying to give myself a pep talk in the process. “Suppose I can deal with it if you can.”

  I refilled my glass from the tap and we stood side by side drinking water, our arms nearly brushing, until I backed away so as not to be obvious about how worked up he’d made me.

  He stole a quick sidelong glance my way. “So what’s with the name change?”

  I’d been known as Brin my entire adult life, so his question flustered me momentarily. “My first screen name on a dating site, I decided to mix it up. Guess it sort of stuck.” His eyes widened as if a bit taken aback. Bet he’d never even been on Tinder or Grindr.

  “I like it,” he replied in a soft voice after he finished the last of his water. For some reason, a thrill shot through me before it was quickly doused by queasiness. “Listen, I don’t want Elijah to know—”

  “Know what? That you’re a closeted gay boy?” I bit out, placing my empty glass in the sink. I’d ask Elijah about the dishwasher and other routines later. Unless I decided not to stay. Twenty-four hours. Just give it time.

  “I’m not…fuck, you know what?” he replied, shaking his head. “Go ahead and tell him everything. I was an asshole back then. I had a lot of shit going on—”

  “Hang on, let me dig out my violin,” I replied mimicking the playing motion with my hands.

  “I’m sorry, okay?” His voice was filled with frustration. “I hope I’m a better person now but maybe not—maybe I’ll never be…”

  The same dreariness returned to his features that seemed ever present from years past and I got the impression he was talking about way more than what happened between us.

  No, fuck that. I wasn’t going to feel sorry for him.

  My shoulders stiffened as another memory surfaced.

  What are you, a fucking faggot?

  I had it rough back then too. Nick was only one in a line of males who didn’t appreciate me enough to take up for me. And when I finally left my parents’ home, I seemed to fall on my knees for every Tom, Dick, and Harry who would show me any attention at all in college. Never again.

  “Glad you got your life back on track or whatever,” I said, pushing past him. “But I don’t need your sob story.”

  I heard his heavy sigh across the room. “I’ll try to stay out of your way.”

  4

  Nick

  Startled awake by hot breath and the feel of sandpaper swiping across my cheek, I shot up in bed only to be met by a mouthful of fur and large paws trampling my groin, way too close to squashing my goods. “Elijah, what the hell is this?”

  “Oh shit, sorry. Is that where she ended up?” Elijah came barreling through the door and lifted the fifty-something pound dog from my bed, setting her on the floor where she scurried off to explore some other part of the apartment.

  Her fur was a soft, golden color, so she must’ve been a young retriever with the energy of a puppy. “What the hell happened to our no pet rule?”

  It wasn’t that I didn’t like animals. I just didn’t want to get attached to any species that wasn’t very long for this world. I’d had enough deaths to grieve over in my life, and I wasn’t sure how well I’d do being responsible for another living thing. Not sure I trusted myself. Besides, with Elijah’s do-gooder heart this place would be overrun with animals.

  “Her owner never showed by closing time,” Elijah responded, over his shoulder. “Brin asked if she could sleep in his room last night, so he could try to make contact with Mrs. Reynolds again today.”

  My shoulders stiffened at the mention of Brin’s name. He had avoided even eye contact with me the past couple of days, as we maneuvered our way around each other when our schedules crossed paths. But Elijah was always there to act as a buffer between us if any questions arose about our routine. Last night I headed to the gym for a spin class and when I got back to the apartment, Brin was already tucked away behind a closed bedroom door. If I had any doubt he still despised me, there was my proof.

  Thankfully, it was the weekend, Saturdays were my own
and normally busy, so I hoped to avoid him again for most of today. Plus, tonight, I had made plans with Sarah, though I considered canceling. I just wasn’t feeling it, which had nothing to do with Brin. Just how it worked for me in general.

  I’d date someone for a few weeks before it fizzled out. Which was just as well—I wasn’t into anything for the long haul, even though Mom was always harping on me to provide her with grandchildren someday. I definitely hoped to give her one or two but the idea of being married with kids to the wrong person turned my stomach to acid and I figured I had a couple more years to stave her off.

  “No worries.” I sat up and wiped the sleep from my eyes.

  “’S my fault,” Brin replied from the other room. “Maybe Mrs. Reynolds had something come up, lost track of time, and they can be reunited sometime today.”

  “Does that happen often?” I asked as I stood up and stretched. “Owners leaving pets?”

  “Tristan said it’s only happened one time since he opened for business eight years ago,” Elijah supplied from the kitchen as he rummaged through the cupboards.

  “That sucks.” Another reason why I stayed away from working with any kids or animals—too much uncertainty. As I strode to the kitchen to grab coffee, the slobbering clumsy puppy followed behind me. “What’s the dog’s name?”

  “It’s Tallulah,” Brin mumbled as he grabbed the dog by the collar and spoke soothingly in her ear to keep her from jumping up on me.

  I snorted. “You’re fucking with me, right?”

  “We’ve heard worse,” Elijah responded with a laugh as he handed me a clean cup. “But she’s a regular. Her owner, an older lady named Mrs. Reynolds, drops the dog off a couple times a week to burn off that puppy energy. She can be a handful for her, but she is totally in love with this dog.”

  As Brin scratched beneath Tallulah’s chin, I gave the dog a pat on the head, hoping the abandonment was all a big misunderstanding, because people who threw away things so easily boiled my blood. Didn’t they realize how everything could change in one instant? Nothing lasted forever.